Wednesday, 16 May 2018

Dear Black People Part II: White South Africans Pose Burning Questions to Blacks

How and Why do they do that?

There are questions that many of us wish we had answers to regarding certain behaviours predominant among members of a given race.

For the first time, white South Africans had a chance to ask their fellow blacks anything - and here are their most disturbing Questions:

Disclosure: Nothing Racist. Simply Hilarious.
Why do black people never get into the pool at a pool-party?
Why you guys wipe your faces off like a billion times after you’ve been head under water in a swimming pool or the sea?

Does water burn your eyes?  ‘Cause I’ve noticed when swimming, every few strokes you stop, tread water and wipe your face…  Then you swim again for a few stokes…it’s fascinating.

What’s with going to the beach just to take selfies?  Like you gotta try get as close to the shoreline without letting the water touch your jeans (which I’m not quite sure is what you should be wearing to the beach).  And then you have to run every wave.  And don’t let the sand touch you either.

Why are you so spectacularly good at grieving at funerals?  On the subject of funerals, why such a vast number of attendees?

Please explain why your funerals are SO huge, three to four buses and it lasts for days!  Are there actually people mourning the loss of someone they never knew?  Is it the free food?  Educate me!

Q:Why do you always say that your brother died and you need to attend is funeral but it was your neighbour’s, son’s father 3rd cousin’s nephew uncle’s…
A:You have to understand if we don’t attend that funeral we might as well never attend any family gathering coz, we will never hear the end of it.

Why do your weddings always start like 3 hours after the invite time.  Us whites are sitting there on our own and everyone arrives 3 hours later like they all got a secret message that we missed out on.

Why are you never in a hurry?  Even when you are late?  Like when white people run to class to make it on time.  We arrive all sweaty and hot.  But when you arrive it’s cool and chill and you don’t seem to be worried about being late?

Q: Why do you talk so loud, basically shout at each other, even though you may be no more than a metre apart?
A: You guys made us live in the bundus so we had to shout from hill to hill.  And now, here we are!

Q:Why do some black men hold hands when they talk to each other?  I’ve been caught a few times by the never ending handshake.
A: Those 2 second hand shakes don’t cut it.  As long as we’re talking, we will hold hands.

Why do you feel so blatantly okay with telling someone that they look so ‘fresh’ when they’ve picked up weight.  Like the way you guys will point out when someone has gained weight is terrifying.  ‘Ooh your baby is fresh, like mommy, nice and big.’

Why can’t you guys wrap up a conversation?  You have a chat, then both start walking away and shout at each other from hundreds of meters away.  And the best part is you still follow the conversation at this point.  Like how?

There is a question that I’ve always wanted to ask.  Do you all know each other or are you just kind and greet everyone?  Because it always seems like everyone knows everyone and has conversation with each other?

So I wanna know why when I’m joking around with my black colleagues and we both laugh together they gotta punch my arm or slap my back really hard? Like I’m just trying to laugh with you why you got to do me like that?
Why do you talk so loud to the person walking next to you that when I pass on the other side of the road it sounds like a fight.  And, I have to wait till someone laughs to not be concerned.

How can black guys, who have never met each other communicate only by whistling and very vague hand gestures across a busy intersection, and it appears to be a full on conversation.

When going to shake hands, how do you know in advance exactly what hand shake moves the other guy is going to make?

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