Tuesday, 5 June 2018

Dear Black People Part III: White South Africans Pose Burning Questions to Blacks

How and Why do they do that?

There are questions that many of us wish we had answers to regarding certain behaviours predominant among members of a given race.

For the first time, white South Africans had a chance to ask their fellow blacks anything - and here are their most disturbing Questions:

Disclosure: Nothing Racist. Simply Hilarious. 
Image: Stockunlimited.com
Okay this one is for the ladies, what god damn fountain of youth do you drink from? No seriously, how do you have such incredible skin, virtually pimple free and you don’t age until you get 60.  I met a 55 year old yesterday, she looked 30.  Every time I see an anti-aging ad with one other a white person I call b******t.

How do you guys age so bloody well?  You don’t get wrinkles till you’re like 60.  Is there a fountain of youth that the white people are missing out on?

How do you keep your skin so smooth and silky?  There’s definitely some skin care technique there that white people need to learn.

How o the women keep white pants so clean?  I walk out of the house in jeans and within 5 minutes I have dirt marks everywhere.  You can spend all day in white pants, go to town, park, multiple taxis, etc and still get out without a single speck of dirt on you.

Why do you guys always go out in public wearing either a cycling jersey (meant for cycling) or rash vest (meant for swimming) with like jeans and stuff?  You always pull it off somehow but if white folk did that they would look totally stupid.

Where do you buy your clothes?  And how do some of you get into your pants?  You always wear stunning clothes, and some of you have thick thighs and butts and this tiny waist, but somehow you find clothes that fit perfectly.

How do black ladies manage to walk very long distances in very high heels?  I am always stunned.  I even see black teachers at meetings with high heels on and think, ‘were you wearing those the whole day while teaching?’  RESPECT.  I can’t even walk in heels from my closet to the front door without being in pain!
How is it that black people can wear ten different colours together and look like they spent the afternoon with a stylist but if a white person (me) does that, I just look like a bloody Christmas tree in China Mall.

What secret makes you so damn stylishly dressed the whole time, like no matter what.  In the street, dude looks fresh, at the mall ladies got it down.  No matter what I do I still look like my mom dressed me.

When we have staff parties, black women look like they’re going to award ceremonies.  Nails done.  Hair one.  Dress/clothing on point.  So gorgeous.  Where do you get all dolled up?

Where do you get your dresses?  Do you have a secret underground clothing stores and spas that white women don’t know about?

How do you ladies tie the towels/blankets used to carry your babies around on your backs?  That is literally the BEST invention ever.

Why do the girls always have banging clothing and they get it for bargain price at a place I’ve never heard of?

Why do black women look beautiful when their heads are bald yet white women look sickly?

How do you get your hair to stay in one place for the whole day?  Dong your hair in the morning and still looking fresh AF come 6pm.  I literally would give anything to be able to do that.
Black hair is loyal and disciplined.  It obeys the comb.

How do you carry items on top of your head without using hands?  The other day I gave our microwave to the gogo…I battled to pick it up.  Next thing, she’s walking home with the thing on her head.

2 things.  Like how do you all know the words to all the songs at funerals/weddings/sporting events?  And how do you all know how to dance to them too?  Like I need a website tutorial please!

When you sing the National Anthem, how do you guys just naturally know how to harmonise.  Like do you guys have practice evenings coz that is next level freaky.  Beautiful but freaky.

Where do the ladies in the townships get the power to balance 20 litre container filled with water on their head or 10kg masamba and walk a distance without stopping?

How do the women carry 3 pots of water and them some on their heads without breaking their necks or causing neck pains?  I tried and almost died!
How do you move your bum without moving any other part of the body?  I got a good sized bum but I still can’t do that and it bothers me.

How does everybody always know the words to the songs.  No matter what song is sung at a gathering, everybody gets in on it.

Is there some magic formula out there that your 3 year old can walk 1km to buy bread whilst mine is still in a stroller?

What is the weight limit for balancing things in your head?  I swear the smallest little lady could balance a fridge.

Where did you black guys learn how to do that walk that you do?  When  I try to do it I look like I’m having fits.

Are you born with tremendous rhythm and as good dancers or do you attend special secret classes?

Are you guys born naturally good dancers or is there some rite of passage that white people don’t go through?
You guys are naturally good swimmers so we had to compensate with something.

I want to know how you can eat phutu (maize meal), a carb, everyday and you never get fat.  The same with beer.  When white people eat that many carbs and drink that much beer we get a beet gut and a big ass.

Why does black fat look much nicer than white fat?  If you’re overweight with dark skin you still look lovely.  But pale with fat rolls is not so flattering.

Does a black woman with small butt even exist?  Like for real?

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