"You know that feeling when a guy you like sends you a text at two o’clock on a Tuesday night asking if he can come and find you, and you’ve accidentally made it out like you’ve just got in yourself, so you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business - suspender belt, the whole bit - and wait by the door until the buzzer goes?
And then you open the door to him like you’ve forgotten he’s coming over. And then you get to it immediately. After some pretty standard bouncing, you realize…he’s edging towards your a******e. But you’re drunk and he made the effort to come all the way here, so you let him. He’s thrilled! And then the next morning, you wake, to find him, fully dressed, sat on the side of the bed, gazing at you. He says that ‘last night was incredible’. …which you think is an overstatement but then he goes on to say that ‘it was particularly special because I’ve never managed to actually up the bum with anyone before. And although it’s always been a fantasy of mine, I’ve never found anyone I could do it with.’ (To be fair, he does have a large p***s). And then, he touches your hair, and thanks you with a genuine earnest. It’s sort of moving. Then he kisses you gently, and then he leaves. And you spend the rest of the day wondering, ‘Do I Have a Massive A******e?"